The Collegian
Wednesday, October 05, 2022

The three kinds of campus 'relationshits'

I come from a big family with upwards of 18 aunts and uncles and face a painful inquiry into my personal life every time we get together. It took me a while to come up with an acceptable response to their scrutiny about my lack of a relationship that wasn't the truth — "Well, Nannie, no I don't have a boyfriend. What, you don't know what BOMOing is?"

It got me to thinking about these characteristics of our collegiate culture. For you young, impressionable freshman, I think it's about time I enlighten you with my theory of the "relationshit." According to my theory, there exist three so called relationshits.

Relationshit One: Relationship relationshit.

Boy and girl are madly in love. They have few other friends because they are so committed to one another. Pretty shitty.

Relationshit Two: The dating relationshit.

Two people in the collegiate version of "real world" dating. Basically, this means they are hooking up with one another until something better comes along because they had no intellectual or personal interest in one another besides "the little poke coming through."

Relationshit Three: The classic BOMO.

Girl and boy grinding at the lodge share an intimate moment with a spin and dip after a couple cocktails of Beast. So obvi there's only one place to take this at 2 a.m. — his room. This is a one-time thing. If she doesn't put out, he's lost interest because she isn't the sex fiend she implied with her stellar dance moves. If she does "jump on it," the relationship ends here. He'll either ignore her or come-a-calling when he can't get it somewhere else. The girl is easy for pursuing her own sexual satisfaction.

I don't have all the answers, so I tried to get to the bottom of this with the help of my Grandma. She doesn't understand our enlightened spin on the relationship. "But Nannie, chivalry is dead." No, I'm wrong, "Colleen, silly girl, chivalry can't die. Bring it back. You're a good Catholic and a beautiful girl. You'll find someone to respect you."

Granted, she doesn't know that I'm no longer fond of organized religion in my days as a liberal college student. However, she does have a point, and we really can learn something from G-Ma. If he wants to get in your pants, he should take you on a date. No, the whole, "I just swiped you into D-hall, now get on your knees" doesn't work. No, you don't want to go to his dorm room that reeks of stale beast to "watch a movie." We all know what that means, and it's getting really old. We want a picnic in the park and a candlelit dinner because you know what? We are worth it. I have more to offer than a tight ass and a good push up bra.

That said, I must admit that I've been repeating variations of the relationshit for the past two plus years. Maybe you can learn something from G-Ma because I can't.

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