The Collegian
Friday, February 23, 2024

How I imagine a Collegian meeting

Ahem ... Ahem ... AHEM. OK so, now that I have your attention, I was hoping we could get this meeting started as we really have a lot to get through tonight and that deadline isn't getting any further away.

Firstly, you will all be happy to hear that the editorial staff has finally figured out what those red and green squiggly lines under your submissions in Word are, and no, Ben, they do not have anything to do with Christmas. Needless to say, we hope that this new development will lead to a much cleaner product.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's get down to business. Sue Ellen, any new developments on your semester long expose on the Marxist dialectic of bourgeois-proletariat agonism implicit in a night out at the lodges? What's that? You don't remember any of the weekend? OK, well just get us, like, 500 words on, oh, I don't know, 10 lodge decorations you would really like to see more of or something. It's just filler now, but I know that one day you will really hit us with the kind of deep and groundbreaking insight we all know you are capable of. All right? Great.

As you all know, racism has been a huge issue on this campus these past two years and, as the voice of the students, I think we should really tackle this issue head on. So, Bonnie, I was wondering if you could take the lead on this one. I just think that our readers are really curious to get your privileged, white, feminist viewpoint on this issue. Hmm, no, John, I don't think we should try to analyze the causes of this problem, our job is to say what students and ONLY what students think and not to effect change in any way.

That said, I think that our constant coverage of the apathy on this campus for the past four years is really beginning to make a difference. Did you SEE how many people showed up to the basketball game on Saturday? No, I didn't either, but I saw the numbers from the box office and I gotta say ... impressive. Give yourselves a big pat on the back for that one, guys.

Let's see here, oh yeah, do we have any stories from the city this week? Ha ha ha yeah that one never gets old. But seriously, has anyone been to one of those funky restaurants on Cary Street recently? Oh great, Joe, could you just write up a quick review of it? Yeah, I know that it was really your first time with Indian food and your massive trust fund means that you really have no clue what a reasonable price is, but you like to eat right? Sounds like you're qualified to me.

All right, well we have about half of the paper left, so let's get Peter to write one of his "spin-free" political articles, add in Martha's sex column and then fill out the rest with a couple opinion articles about liking and hating frats. Does anyone else have any other contributions. Anyone? We will take anything. Seriously, anything.

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