The Collegian
Friday, March 29, 2024

The Closeting

Richmond '09

There has lately been a great deal of negativity surrounding GLBTQ issues on this campus. But what stuns me about this negativity is that its most public form -- the recent anonymous Collegian articles -- originated not with the heterosexual community, but with the closeted GLBTQ community itself.

Amicus made the suggestion that, when it comes to coming out, the campus climate "does not yet allow this possibility for sexual minorities." Yet I write this now as a living contradiction to this statement. No single member of the heterosexual community here at the University of Richmond has ever abused me, either physically or verbally -- and I came out here on the second day of orientation more than two years ago after the "Toto" presentation. Maybe I'm the exception rather than the rule, but the numbers aren't looking that way. I've spoken to a few of my "out" friends and none of them have reported any incidents of abuse here, either.

Although the heterosexual community has never laid a finger on me, I have definitely been abused by the closeted GLBTQ community. Since my first interactions with closeted people on this campus, I've learned that I am something to be feared. I'm shunned like some sort of viral plague by those who are afraid of being "outed" simply by being associated with me. So what happens? The "out" community is degraded by the "closeted" community in the same way that the latter has claimed to be demeaned by the heterosexual community. We also "walk among you."

Amicus says the heterosexual community "ignore[s] the truth by ignoring our existence." I'm going to respond with this suggestion: Hasn't the closeted GLBTQ community been ignoring its "out" companions? You claim to be alone, but you're not. You claim to be afraid, yet you won't turn to people who could help you. You cultivate this anger until it boils over in arguably more destructive ways, like anonymous lashings toward a community that, for the most part, cannot possibly know that you are suffering. Why are they responsible for your secret?

It seems to me that the biggest problems arise in the closeted community from a desire to "fit in" while still being GLBTQ. It's already been acknowledged by Amicus that sexual minorities "try to pretend to be something they're not." Part of gaining acceptance is being brave enough to be who you are and see what comes of it -- because, really, you will never be happy as long as you're pretending.

Maybe this means that you won't fit in perfectly. Maybe it means that your fraternity will shun you, and maybe it means that your friends will shun you. And if this is the case, then you have my greatest sympathy.

I really, truly am sorry. But I also very strongly insist that if your friends cannot accept you for who you are, then they aren't really your friends. And I also insist that there are people on this campus who don't care about your sexuality. I know, because I have a great group of friends who have been with me since the beginning of my time here.

Yes, maybe I do wish I wouldn't automatically check myself at times when a co-worker asks me what I'm doing the weekend of Valentine's Day. I don't know whether I should say that I'm going out for sushi with my boyfriend. But I don't really believe that this is so much a GLBTQ problem -- in my opinion, this is an issue more of a changing society where the personal and the professional are blending. I know plenty of straight people who still choose not to divulge information about their personal lives for their own reasons. And really, maybe some public affections shouldn't be displayed by anyone -- straight or otherwise.

This aside, however, no one's talking about the epidemic that's worse than any ignorance from the heterosexual community. The "out" and the "closeted" have, at least from my experience, been fighting a different kind of war since before any of this conversation started. While the "closeted" community shuns the "out" community, we are doing nothing to earn their trust. Instead, I have heard them marked as "conquests" and rumors circulate about suspected identities -- and so we only affirm their worst fears. The "out" community is doing absolutely nothing to encourage any sort of combined community of acceptance, and that needs to change.

I think we need to redefine what "out" and "closeted" mean. I'm not going to do it in any official context; I don't know how. But, in my opinion, being "out" doesn't mean you have to be an activist. Being "out" doesn't mean you have to go screaming in the streets that you're attracted to others of the same sex. Being "out" doesn't mean making the GLBTQ part of you the only part of you. Being "out" to me just means being me. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be willing to adapt to circumstances -- because, no matter what, you won't always be able to be exactly who you want to be. But that's just the way things are. Be the right you for the context.

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter

The bottom line is: I do not believe that this campus is a dangerous place for the GLBTQ community. I believe that you can be GLBTQ on this campus while still having friends and feeling safe. Amicus says: "I am a homosexual. But this is only one part of my identity." I entirely agree with this statement; it applies to me as well. But if this is the case, then prove it. Don't let this one part of who you really are make the rest of you something that you're not.

Support independent student media

You can make a tax-deductible donation by clicking the button below, which takes you to our secure PayPal account. The page is set up to receive contributions in whatever amount you designate. We look forward to using the money we raise to further our mission of providing honest and accurate information to students, faculty, staff, alumni and others in the general public.

Donate Now