Tragedy and misery: The satirical story of Irene

[This piece is satirical and is not intended to be fact.]

It was all fun and games on the University of Richmond campus. Students frolicked through the courtyards and skipped down the sidewalks. It was a world where men and women lived in perfect harmony and abided by the kind societal laws placed on them.

"Yeah it's been pretty good," said first-year Austin Romeo.

But then one day, clouds began to form. These clouds darkened the horizon, creating a crepuscular ambiance of utter despair enveloping the Richmond community. It was a nightmare land found only in the dreams of the clinically insane.

And then it rained.

"Oh it was terrible," cried orientation adviser Ethan Wallace. "It was raining like all over the place. I even fell down and scraped my elbow. Had to get a Band-Aid."

Students were seen running in all directions, pushing each other over and maniacally screaming for help.

"It's so cold," a student whispered while rocking back and forth on the ground and gazing coldly at the damp grass in the pouring rain.

Hurricane Irene had arrived and she wasn't happy.

"Oh that dirty w**** Irene. That little s***," remarked an anonymous student. "Oh that b**** must be PMS-ing real bad to be putting up a storm like this! What? Don't look at me like that! Irene isn't an actual person so these comments don't count as being misogynistic."

One student was even seen in a canoe on the lake, waving students who were already on land onto the boat with a Richmond lacrosse flag.

"Yeah it wasn't too big of a deal, that whole canoe thing," said first-year student Nate Volpert.

"Just trying to do my part I guess. I mean I probably saved a few lives. No need to go all overboard in rewarding my heroic deed. Really, other students probably would have done the same for me. A statue is really all that's needed. Oh and it would be really sweet if you could have the statue doing the suck-it pose as well, thanks."

At one point, a gust of wind blew over the power lines, causing the school's power to turn off for two minutes before the generators went into effect, restoring power to the dorms.

"I started to think about some of my choices in life," said first-year Addison Hicks.

"I really took a deep look into the core of my existence. Some things I could take back, do over again. It was a terrible experience, that moment where you begin to gaze into the tunnel of death... but thankfully the power turned back on and I was able to microwave my pizza Lunchables."

The situation grew much worse. Groups of co-ed students began gathering in the third floor of Boatwright Library, including first-year student Curtis Robbins. The students rubbed their bodies against one another to generate body heat, thereby preventing hypothermia.

"Generating body heat?" questioned Robbins.

The 50 mph winds got so horrific, a tree near Marsh dorm was ripped out of the ground and fell over.

"Yeah it really wasn't that bad. The whole thing kind of got overblown if you ask me," quacked one of the ducks by the lake.

"Like seriously. It's just a stupid little rainstorm. We lost power for maybe three minutes max. No need to go all bananas about it."

The duck, who goes by the name Josephus, continued his rant: "Seriously the students need to realize that a lot more horrible stuff goes on in the world. Ever heard of Katrina? And they wonder why we s*** right in the middle of the sidewalk"