The Collegian
Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Richmond year in review

And just like that the year's already over, and what a wild one it was. So, to send 20 aught eight off in style, I present to you my Richmond Year in Review.

-- Facebook changes our lives by making the groundbreaking switch to "New Facebook." It provides the single most interesting conversation point for Richmond students since, um, the News Feed. On another note, the personalized ad system still offers me free shipping on penis enlargement pills. How does it know?

-- The seniors get to spend their first Senior Social Toga Party in the most happenin' hot spot in Richmond -- the Millhiser Gym! Oh, and they charge $4 a pop for non-refundable beer tickets, then run out of mini-kegs by 9:30 p.m. But don't worry, there's soda and pizza over by the basketball nets!

-- JuicyCampus.com finally arrives to answer all of life's great mysteries, like who's the hottest freshman on campus, and which frat is "teh gay3st." It's funny for, like, a day. Then no one cares anymore.

-- An intruder sneaks into three university apartments, tickling female residents as they sleep. He is later apprehended by campus police who track several recent Tickle-Me-Elmo purchases back to his home.

-- The infamous "Frat Email" leaks, sending the campus into an uproar. Controversy strikes, the administration spirals into a frenzy and students remain divided. Meanwhile, the word "skeeza" is made at least 10 times funnier.

-- The administration forms the Bias Response Team. Led by that guy from "Mission Impossible," this elite, clandestine organization uses top-secret military intelligence and espionage tactics to infiltrate suspected bias dealers, operating with undercover agents to take down prejudice from the inside. They shoot first, ask questions later.

-- Trayless Fridays is enacted, faculty defending it as a way to curb waste and help the dining hall "go green." Trash is cut by an astounding 85 percent, mostly because everybody just stops going to D-Hall. Meanwhile, no one listens to my own "green" idea: replacing all paper napkins with a bulk supply of Sham-Wows. Have you seen that infomercial? You'll be saying, "Wow!" every time!

-- "Quantum of Solace," the 22nd Bond movie, ends up totally sucking. Doesn't really have anything to do with Richmond, but just thought I'd let everyone know.

-- Barack Obama is elected the 44th President of the United States. The nation celebrates a moment of historic change. Richmond students are exceptionally ecstatic, talking in between tokes about how he will "totally legalize it, man."

-- Richmond wins its first NCAA championship title in any sport in the school's 178-year history. Surviving members of the first-place 1908 Gaelic Lawn Tennis team cry out in protest, signing a petition that the school officially recognize their triumph at the Bismarck Winter Tournaments.

-- The U.S. economy collapses, severely limiting the number of pastel polo shirts Richmond students are able to purchase for the holiday season. Which will it be -- the Fusion Fuchsia or She-Hulk Lime-Green?

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So that's it for 2008. Happy New Year, Richmond. Here's to making 2009 just as wildly incoherent and hazardous to our collective health.

Contact staff writer Michael Gaynor at michael.gaynor@richmond.edu

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