I would like to start off by mentioning that as a Collegian Web developer, I've had to type the words "Obama Inauguration" about one zillion times in the last week, and if I have to do it ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna immolate my keyboard. So, instead of mentioning it, I'm going to replace it with the term "Nuclear Holocaust." (And, since we have a new president, we can pronounce that ''nuclear" as opposed to "nuk-leer.")
So on Tuesday, Jan. 20, I set off from UR to go to a viewing party of the Nuclear Holocaust at Toad's Place in downtown Richmond. I got off of class at 11 a.m., and figured that I would have plenty of time to get myself out to Toad's Place before the speech started at noon; maybe I'd even strike up a conversation with some pretentious FFV attending the viewing as well.
I failed, however, to think through all the factors of my trip. You see, I was taking one of my friends ... a female. Now, if you happen to be female and reading this, I'm not implying that you're sometimes not punctual, I'm implying that you are NEVER punctual. (Remember, it's not sexist if it's true!)
Then I made some wrong turns ... Now, if you happen to be a male and reading this, I'm not implying that you would sometimes forgo directions when lost, I'm implying that you will ALWAYS forgo directions when lost. (I'm an equal opportunity humorist.)
Anyway, my friend and I walked into Toad's Place at about 12:10 p.m., shortly after the new president had started his speech. We limited our "conversations with pretentious FFVs" to conversations with the back of their heads. (Not that I didn't try.)
Perhaps the most interesting part of Richmond was perfectly illustrated by the population that showed up to watch the Nuclear Holocaust. Richmond has an amazing range of people! It's no New York City, but there were people there dressed like they just rolled out of bed, people dressed better than our new president himself ... and there was a drag queen, too.
I have nothing against those who wish to dress up as another gender. If you like it, go ahead and do it, but I take issue with anyone who has more glitter showing on his or her face than skin. It has it's time and place, sure (Heaven knows I've seen my fair share of Broadway plays). But what is it, exactly, that inspires a full-grown man to dress up for the Nuclear Holocaust as a giant red Statue of Liberty sporting 1980s hair-metal hair (and even MORE makeup)? The answer: CD giveaways.
After the big speech, this most interesting of the dinner guests was handing out CDs like candy. I'm sad to say that by the time I got to where our decorated friend was standing, I was disappointed to find an empty void.
Being the good journalist I am, I decided to post a "missed connection" on Craig's List, which is basically a sure-fire way of finding someone you really should have met. It looks something like this:
Craig's List; Missed Connection:
It was at the Nuclear Holocaust. You were wearing an outlandish red dress and had a full layer of glitter on your face. I couldn't exactly tell what gender you were, but somehow I knew ... you were gonna give a great interview. I was that one reporter standing next to that cute girl who came in late, which seemed to piss everyone off. I need you ... to interview.
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Contact crazy person Zach Stewart at firstname.lastname@example.org
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