The Collegian
Monday, April 15, 2024

Zach Stewart


Nobel Prize Committee awards efforts to write an opinion piece

Two weeks ago (unless you're reading this in THE FUTURE), President Barack Obama was granted the Nobel Peace Prize for "efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." This is the political equivalent of a parent sighing, "Well, at least he's trying," whenever their "special" child fails another test. Now, usually I try not to get very political because politics are hilarious and they quickly go out of date, but what gets written once on the Internet stays there FOREVER (which is why I can never be president myself). Today, however, I have to make an exception. If the Nobel Committee is giving out prizes for "efforts" to make world peace, then, damn it, I deserve a LOT more credit for all the crap I've been doing: "Efforts to finish my German homework." "Efforts to clean my room." "Efforts to make a Web site." "Efforts to write an opinion piece." "Efforts to be funny." "Efforts to be a productive member of society." And if that's the case then we have Oscar night all wrong!

Cell phones cause catastrophe

There is a growing trend that is threatening to take over the entire world. Actually ... there are a lot of them ... but this one is getting scarier every year. As I'm sure you've guessed (because of the extreme detail I've already used), I'm talking about the cell phone usage trend that has been growing at mushrooming speed since the early '90s. Once upon a time, cell phones were only for yuppies and fantastically ditsy, good-looking and inexplicably wealthy girls from Beverly Hills.

Collision: Pig Roast canceled by administration

Editor's Note: The following article is satirical in nature and should in no way be taken as truth. President Edward Ayers announced Tuesday that the Festivus celebration, better known as Pig Roast, will be canceled this year. A late-night meeting on Monday composed of the board of directors, deans, and President Ayers concluded that due to the increasing number of alcohol-related incidences on campus that the well-known drinking holiday was not a good idea. "Last year we had to increase our police force so that our students could party... I don't think that is why students come here," Ayers said in his speech Tuesday morning.

Collision: Multiple students arrested in Gray Court for large party

Editor's Note: The following article is satirical in nature and should in no way be taken as truth. A large party ended Saturday night with multiple arrests of Richmond and Westhampton students. A party on the third floor of Gray Court overflowed into the halls Saturday night, prompting a massive response from the on-duty Resident Assistants.

Inauguration Day at Toad's Place

I would like to start off by mentioning that as a Collegian Web developer, I've had to type the words "Obama Inauguration" about one zillion times in the last week, and if I have to do it ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna immolate my keyboard.

Triceracide

Writer's Disclaimer: The following article is satirical in nature, and provides absolutely no facts whatsoever. Triceragoose, the "third mascot" of the University of Richmond -- after the Spider and a Cigarette Executive -- has been reported missing by a number of concerned students. Triceragoose, also known as "King Duck" or "Steve" (by his family), was last seen at the Westhampton Lake, where he had presumably resided for the past hundred years. From CSI, M.

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