Editor's Note: The following article is satirical in nature and should in no way be taken as truth.
President Edward Ayers announced Tuesday that the Festivus celebration, better known as Pig Roast, will be canceled this year.
A late-night meeting on Monday composed of the board of directors, deans, and President Ayers concluded that due to the increasing number of alcohol-related incidences on campus that the well-known drinking holiday was not a good idea.
"Last year we had to increase our police force so that our students could party... I don't think that is why students come here," Ayers said in his speech Tuesday morning. "[The University] is trying to shake its negative stigma of alcohol abuse."
The decision came as a direct result of the large number of arrests made Saturday night on the third floor of Gray Court when a party spilled out into the hall. (See the full story here)
Students were quick to react, starting countless Facebook groups, and writing hundreds of opinion articles to the Collegian.
"I can't believe they would make this decision so close to the actual day," said Matt Wentworth, a Richmond College sophomore.
"I'm already planning to have guests this weekend, but now there won't be nearly as much to do," said Zach Stewart, another Richmond College sophomore.
"I understand that many students will be disappointed by this turn of events, but I truly believe that the University's best interest is being served here," Ayers said at the end of his speech.
Pig Roast has been frowned upon by the administration for some time. Last year Ayers enacted an "anti-pig roast" campaign wherein signs were posted around dorms reminding students that "Pig Roast" would not happen, in favor of "Festivus."
Festivus, while taking the name from Seinfeld, has no other association with George Costanza's childhood holiday.
"When they closed off the apartments I warned them, but they didn't listen. When they started calling it 'Festivus' I warned them, but they didn't listen. Now we've lost Pig Roast entirely," stated a solemn Robi DeBell, a Richmond College junior.
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"I am truly sorry it had to come to this," closed Ayers.
There are no indications as to the status of Festivus or Pig Roast next year.
Contact staff writer Avril Tolos at firstname.lastname@example.org
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