The Collegian
Monday, April 15, 2024

Cell phones cause catastrophe

There is a growing trend that is threatening to take over the entire world. Actually ... there are a lot of them ... but this one is getting scarier every year.

As I'm sure you've guessed (because of the extreme detail I've already used), I'm talking about the cell phone usage trend that has been growing at mushrooming speed since the early '90s.

Once upon a time, cell phones were only for yuppies and fantastically ditsy, good-looking and inexplicably wealthy girls from Beverly Hills. These rare and somewhat clunky machines performed such vital tasks as: making phone calls.

But, as time marched on, all that has changed. First, people are now given cell phones upon birth. It is mandatory for hospitals to acquaint a newborn with a Motorola Razr before letting it leave.

New advances in science are even allowing doctors to insert an LG Chocolate cell phone into the womb so that embryos can spend $100 texting before they even know how to breathe on their own.

Cell phones have also evolved in usage. As I mentioned earlier, '90s cell phones featured all the following important features:

- Place phone call

- Receive phone call

- Ring

Modern cell phones, on the other hand, feature all of these:

- Clocks

- Text messaging

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- Custom ringtones

- Internet

- Address book

- Calendar

- Organizer

- Memo pad

- Voice recorder

- E-mail

- Business links

- Video player

- Music player

- Hologram projector

- Alarm clock

- Video-game player

- Calculator

- Death-ray

- Golf caddie

- Picture viewer

- Modem

- Instant college applications

- Congressional page molester

- Presidential briber

- Attorney at law


- Video camera

Clearly, the cell phone's main goal is to replace the human brain altogether (something that many people gave up willingly upon the release of the iPhone).

Frankly, I look forward to it. My cell phone already rings once a second to remind me to breathe and keep my heart going. It tells me when I should go to classes, when I should wake up, when I should go out and when I should go to the bathroom. (How it knows that last one, I have no idea, but it works).

So after reading this article, learn to embrace your cell phone! Find yet another feature hidden deep within its convoluted menus (Power Generator), and rejoice in the wonder that fits into the palm of your hand!

To read more ridiculous stories like this one, head over to

Contact staff writer Zach Stewart at

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