Dear University of Virginia fans,
Greetings from Richmond! Perhaps you all are aware of a little football game that will take place this Labor Day weekend. Well, I am sure you are all very wrapped up in the reality television show frenzy about your football program and our former head coach, Mike London.
The series, "Virginia Football: The Building of a Program," airs on Comcast SportsNet and is produced by NASCAR Media Group. UVa. foots the bill as a marketing expense, in an effort to lure more unsuspecting and annoying fans to further their glorifying skills.
Why do you feel the need to document every mundane practice, training session and interview about your football team? Who's watching, anyway? Maybe Narcissus is watching, because we all know that the premise of the show is narcissistic, but that's about it. The show, in a word: excessive.
But yes, you will play host to the University of Richmond Spiders this Saturday evening. Where is Richmond, you wonder? If you travel a mere 70 miles east, you will find a championship-winning football team. Oh, you don't know what a championship is? Well, the stereotypical nature of your fandom certainly thinks it is a Bowl Championship Series contender. As cliche as it is, you may talk the talk, but until you walk the walk, rein your horses in, Cavaliers. In reality, your football team has not won an Atlantic Coast Conference title since 1995. Your BCS post-season record is dismal: 7-9. Our Spiders have been Colonial Athletic Association champions for two of the past three years ... not to mention that little Division I Football Championship Subdivision national title in 2008. No big deal.
Critics may call us "itsy bitsy," but we are unfazed. You may have stolen London from us, jealous of the success he helped create at Richmond, but we took your protege as our new head coach. People may have their doubts about Richmond head coach Latrell Scott, simply because he is one of the youngest head coaches, but he has a tenacity for excellence and is ready to continue our winning program. Good luck winning any rings or hoisting the BCS Championship trophy, London. You had your glory with the FCS championship trophy, and got that bling as well. Best of luck battling to get into a mediocre bowl.
Yes, it was probably former head coach Al Groh's time to bounce, given his less-than-stellar records, but what does it say about your athletic program to go picking the best from an FCS school? Are other BCS coaches not available or willing to go to your esteemed university? Regardless of the inner workings in hiring coaches, we took a bit of revenge in hiring Scott.
An interesting fact to thicken the plot: Virginia has not won a season opener in the past four years. Really? That's not just depressing, that's just pitiful. The Spiders are 3-2 in the past five season openers. We have played BCS schools. Granted, the BCS schools for the season openers have been Vanderbilt and Duke (twice -- and we all know they should just stay inside Cameron Indoor), but Virginia lost to Duke last season, after we opened our season with a win against them. I say to the Spiders, let's continue this trend of beating an ACC school in the season opener. Meanwhile, UVa., by all means, please continue your trend of losing your season opener. Especially losing season openers to FCS schools
Cavaliers, or Wahoos since you have two mascots (which is a bit unnecessary, right?), heed this warning: FCS schools are a tribe, if you will, able to compete with not only the best in the FCS, but also with some of the worst of the BCS-league schools. Remember last year when you played the College of William & Mary in the season-opener? You don't? Oh, that's right, it has probably been blacked out of your memory because you lost 26-14. And you know what's funny? We, the itsy, bitsy Spiders, went on to beat the Tribe (or the Griffins as they're called now, but that's a whole 'nother discussion). Granted, it was a much more competitive and thrilling game, but come on! You are the elite and mighty Cavaliers! Surely you can kick the lowly FCS schools by the wayside with your high-heeled, leather, riding boots just as we have spun our web round them for the past few meetings.
So, Cavaliers, get off your high horse and keep your boots on the ground until you can put a ring on it. Which won't be any time soon, despite having London at the reins.
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