(609): Hee r yu stil awacke right now?

If it's later than 2 a.m., it's a booty call. It doesn't matter if you're a girl or a guy, the rules of booty calling do not discriminate.

If it's past 2 a.m. and all the words are spelled correctly, it's still a booty call (don't kid yourself, he's absolutely drunk, his iPhone just auto-corrected).

If it's past 2 a.m. and he tells you that it's not a booty call, again, it's still a booty call. Don't fool yourself. He may like you and think you're cool, but the chances that he is texting you, "hey, what's up?" at 2 a.m. and just looking to have the privileged position as your big spoon for the whole evening, wake up, go on a couple's jog and then get some breakfast, are slim to absolutely none.

Granted, there are a few exceptions, but emphasis on the word "few." For the most part, if it's past 2 a.m., it's a booty call. Words to live by, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, that's absolutely not to say that a booty call is a bad thing. If both members of the interaction are genuinely looking for some booty, then please, get out of your frump pants that you probably put on around 1 a.m. guessing that he wasn't going to text you, shave your legs, put on a pair of lace panties, squeeze into some yoga pants and a v-neck, add a splash of perfume, some deodorant, mouthwash, grab a pack of gum on your way out the door and haul your cute butt to his apartment.

You know as well as he does that yoga pants make your tush look phenom, v-necks show just enough of your tots and you'll look adorable without seeming high maintenance. It's a solid go-to and still comfy enough to support your beer bloat from the evening.

There is nothing wrong with wanting some late night lovin' -- a casual make-out and heavy groping past 2 a.m. is perfectly acceptable. But just remind yourself not to get pissed off if he doesn't text you during the week or want to whisper sweet nothings in your ear all day while holding hands in between classes and stealing a few innocent yet loving kisses in the library.

I think I read somewhere, at some point, and when I say "somewhere, at some point," I really mean, my roommates and I were hanging off of every single word of Cosmo looking for some man-hunting tips, reading our bedside astrology and learning what medicines not to mix with your birth control if you want to make sure that the only thing in your oven is cookies and that it stays bun-free.

More importantly though, (not that many more things are important than keeping the world free of my offspring for a while) it gave a list of a few ways to tell if a guy likes you.

One of them was: he will text you between noon and 5 p.m. Actually, this is what it says, verbatim: "You want it to be sometime between noon and 5 p.m. He's waited just long enough not to look desperate, but he's leaving enough time for the two of you to make solid plans. Any text after that means you're an afterthought or his other plans fell through and he wants to get out of his house. Anything beyond 11 p.m. is a booty call. If he texts you at 4 a.m. with: 'hye baby im drnkn and i wana see u. come outsid,' forget about him."

Clearly Cosmo doesn't go to college because it makes the booty call cut-off line at 11 p.m. That's just a bit ambitious in my opinion.

If a guy texts me at 11 p.m. I think I'm the most special lady in the world and that he must genuinely care about me. But let's be real, chances are he still just wants some booty.

Regardless of the status of my booty and who is calling it, I think that the art of deciphering text time and language is a crucial one. It is perhaps the hardest class that I'm taking here at the University of Richmond. If only I could get college credit for it, I'd have graduated months ago.

Being a chick and balancing being needy and showing the right amount of interest is a tough, tough job.

How long is too long to wait for him to text you back before it gets pathetic? Naturally you have to plan it out so that you can be looking your best when he stops by. But for some reason the moment you decide it's too pathetic to keep waiting and you take off your makeup, he texts you.

What is the deal with double texting? Needy? If he was the last one to text you the day before is it OK for you to be the first one to text him or is that still needy? If you saw something during the day that reminds you of him and you want to tell him about it ... needy? If you just want to say "Hey" and ask how his day is ... needy?

Who wants to be the needy neurotic chick that is trying way too hard if the guys isn't even thinking about her in the first place? Absolutely not me ...

So guys, please, do us this one little favor. If you are thinking about us from noon to 5 p.m., text us. If you want more than booty, text us before 2 a.m., and if you want a wife, text me.