Editor's note: The Collision is the historically satirical version of The Collegian, appearing as early as the 1930s. The following article is satire and in no way should be viewed as truth.
A School of Arts and Sciences student has refused to look for an internship this summer on grounds of objections that the Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies department described as “well, kind of, but it’s a stretch.”
“It’s not my limited skillset,” the junior said. “And I’m frankly offended you asked that. I couldn’t even get my foot in the door because of the patriarchal substructures that are present in our objectivist society. Do you like Marx? Because I [expletive] love Marx.”
When asked for comment, social sciences departments at the university were hesitant to agree with the student.
“I hate the patriarchy as much as the next person," a WGSS professor said. "However, I do not think your hyper-focus on existentialist philosophy makes you qualified for an accounting job at PwC. You just don’t have the skills. I don’t either. It’s not you, or the patriarchy. It’s literally the one case where it’s not the patriarchy."
The student, Christopher Branston, a white cisgender male, dismissed the university’s claims.
“Everyone thought Einstein was crazy at one point," Branston said. "Probably, I don’t know. What I do know is when I drive my Range Rover through downtown Richmond, all I can think of is how terrible the patriarchy is to create this world for these people. I just cannot morally work in that system.”
When asked about his alternative plans, Branston said he was unsure of the immediate future.
“I take issue with lots of the alternatives to working," Branston said. "At the end of the day, something is going to have to hold me over until my dad’s check for gas clears. I’ll probably just keep selling Adderall and hope that the market doesn’t go dry over break. I hear selling to townies is a great idea, so I’ll give that a shot.”
Contact contributor Chris Cassella at firstname.lastname@example.org.