Editor's Note: The Collision is the historically satirical version of The Collegian, appearing as early as the 1930s. The following article is satire and in no way should be viewed as the truth.
University Housing reported that a Richmond College pre-med student had refused to pay his housing deposit because he claimed to live in Gottwald Center for the Sciences.
University security discovered sophomore Daniel Durr asleep, seemingly exhausted from his studies, at roughly 4:30 a.m. on March 29. Durr refused to leave, citing his housing agreement with the university.
Housing administrators followed up by informing Durr that Gottwald is untenable and requested that he return to his living arrangements in Atlantic House as stipulated.
Durr decided to take action and bring attention to what he describes as unfair treatment. He contacted The Collision in an attempt to inform readers about himself and his ongoing battle against the school.
Durr is a pre-health major with big ambitions. He wants to earn a Doctorate of Medicine and Philosophy at an Ivy League institution before becoming an expert in female testicular cancers.
He currently carries a 3.9 GPA, the lone blemish coming from Physics 131. The class was tortuous for him and he recalled crying before and after every lecture. He received an A-.
“He is an exemplary student, who is both dedicated and dependable," Durr's pre-health adviser said. "Without a doubt, he will one day make a fine doctor.”
When asked about his success, Durr attributed it to his unusual housing circumstances.
“There is no finer housing location on campus," Durr said. "I literally live in Gottwald.”
Durr spends his free time regularly attending classes he is not enrolled in and expanding his intellectual horizons by watching Ted Talks, Numberphile and Crash Course Philosophy videos on YouTube.
When asked about his participation in student organizations on campus, Durr was taken aback by their existence.
“I had only thought of Richmond as a school,” he said. “I assumed there was nothing else to do here but learn.”
When Durr heard that people typically enjoyed socializing and partying on weekends he said: “That explains the limping, shiny human figures at night. Heavens, I thought I was just working too hard and daydreaming about zombie-aliens.”
What has been the school’s response?
The school has been very forthcoming with university policy. Academic buildings are intended to be closed after hours with preferential access granted to majors, who can access only their departments beyond academic hours.
Concerns were also expressed over potential exposure to health risks in Gottwald because of the readily accessible chemicals within the building.
“I’m pretty sure any other building they place me on campus would have mold or something like that, I think that’s more dangerous," Durr said.
How has the Gottwald community responded to his actions?
“I want to recant everything I said earlier,” said his pre-health adviser, a former practicing psychologist. “I’m not really close to students, and only know who they are on paper. Obviously he lacks social skills. I will not be recommending him for graduate study of any kind and I think he needs to see a medical professional.”
In the chemistry and the physics departments, professors have described Durr's behavior as typical of students representing the “harder sciences” and had taken no issue with Durr.
“I got a call this morning from a graduate professor at Berkeley who wants the kid to apply in a few years,” the chair of the chemistry department said. “Graduate professors love this type of work ethic.”
When asked about the poor precedent he was setting for other students, Durr politely responded: “It gets lonely in here. I would love a roommate who is just as motivated as me when it comes to studying the human body. We could spend every night working on drawing our hexane rings together.”
Contact contributor Isaiah Duplessis at firstname.lastname@example.org.