The Collegian
Monday, June 01, 2020

A column with no point

People take themselves too seriously sometimes. Everything's so important, so crucial, so consequential.

But with Spring Break mere hours away at this point, I'd like to drop all those pretensions of seriousness and just give you some recreational reading to get you excited before school breaks. A few random observations, if you will, plus some arbitrary thoughts. Call it a haphazard commentary.

So with that in mind, I'd like to present to you a column with no point whatsoever. A column devoid of any significance, coherence or even basic grammatical accuracy. Spring Break -- WOOO!!

In the news: There's a story circulating about some Canadian biochemists breeding a "spider-goat." I'm not making this up. It's a goat that excretes spider-webs in mass quantities for use in state-of-the-art body armor fabric. I, for one, am very concerned about this animal gene-splicing. Because sooner or later somebody's going to want to combine a bird with a shark, and then what do we get: Air sharks. And then, guess what -- We're f***ed.

Phrases I'd like to use more often in casual conversation: a) the bee's knees, b) high-falutin', and c) get ready for the mack attack. Sure, this last one doesn't make any sense. But get off my case about it, or you'll have to deal with the mack attack.

Somebody brought up the rumor of Triceragoose's demise to me again earlier this week. Well, I've said it once and I'll say it again: I don't believe Triceragoose is dead. Why? Because I don't believe Triceragoose can be killed.

It amazes me just how much better Quiznos is than Subway. If these two sandwich places were "Star Wars" movies, Quiznos would be "Return of the Jedi," and Subway would be "Attack of the Clones."

Does anyone else out there spend entire class periods zoning-out trying to think of the best campus building in which to fortify oneself within in the event of a zombie attack? I say Weinstein - not too many entrances, no ground-level windows, some good look-out locations. Sorry, sometimes my brain only thinks in terms of what is and isn't useful during zombie attacks.

What a snow day we had on Monday, eh? For all you underclassmen out there, you've just witnessed a rare event here in Richmond. Hope you enjoyed it. A few observations about that wonderful snowstorm:

1) It was probably the best snowball-packing snow ever.

2) Flattened-out Natty cases make the best sleds.

3) A word to the kid in the orange jacket who knocked down the snow fort we made in our backyard: You might think you've gotten away clean, but guess what's coming for you. That's right, the mack attack.

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One more thing on what I'm officially calling the Best Snow Day Ever: I'd like to give a shout-out to the snowball army that was carrying the big green flag around. Our epic battle on the slope behind the 2000 block was the stuff of legend. You were all worthy and gracious opponents, and I look forward to another day on the battlefield with all of you.

My friend Ned requested that I relay his story on these pages. Last week, Ned pulled in to park by the apartments. The last space was right next to another car whose driver was clearly in a rush. It was a very poor parking job - the car was almost diagonal, jutting out past the lines on either side. Ned was forced to pull in slightly slanted as well in order to fit into the space next to it.

The next day, some person had decided to "shame" Ned's car by bending his license plate in on both sides and scribbling a note reading "Learn how to park," on the windshield. The original poorly parked car was gone, so this anonymous hater must've assumed Ned's parking job was initially at fault.

Ned would just like that anonymous hater to know that it wasn't his fault, and that bending his license plate was a totally uncool move. Now, we don't know who this person might be, but I suspect it was the kid in the orange jacket again.

So there you go, everybody. Have a great Spring Break, and don't forget your sunscreen.

Contact assistant opinion editor Michael Gaynor at michael.gaynor@richmond.edu

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