The Collegian
Tuesday, May 24, 2022

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Top places to mingle if you're single

They say 60 percent of married couples meet in college. But don't fret; if you don't meet someone in college, 50 percent of them are getting a divorce anyway. Oh well. Here goes nothin':

1. E.T.C. -- Observe the target's purchases. She's buying a bag of extra cheesy Doritos, three Hershey's products and a Coke (Diet). No Midol or feminine products?

You're in luck -- she's on the rebound. Her boyfriend just broke up with her because he has feelings for his (male) tennis double.

(If you're not trying to meet Miss Emotional-ticking-time-bomb, go to Joe's Market and hang out in the organic section.)

Ladies, if he's purchasing solo cups and pong balls, you're in.

2. The Current -- Feeling exotic? Fish a foreign student out of "The Current."

These international hotties often frequent the Commons in large hordes to play pool and watch FIFA and Family Guy re-runs.

Wanna be a hit? Here's a sure-fire way to make a splash. You say, "Hey, do you play guitar? Weird, me too. In fact, whoa wait, what's this? It's my trusty Spanish guitar! And ... whoa, this is weird, I brought my soccer, I mean, futbol cleats ... and my cigarettes and ... what's that? You think I'm pretty AND you need a ride to Target?" Perfecto.

3. Post office -- This is a great place to meet singles who miss Mommy and Daddy. Nothing says post office like a care package fresh out of the oven.

And who doesn't love a neatly pressed, free tanning coupon to spark up some quality convo. Here are some other prime post office conversation starters: "Lost the key to your mailbox? I can lend you the key to my heart."

Or my personal favorite, "Would you care if I handled your package?" Whammy.

4. Lodges -- At the lodges, every person is one light switch away from being the best looking person in the room.

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So, the likelihood of snogging is about a hundred percent. The likelihood of you remembering it as about as likely as him or her being the best looking person in the room (or even relatively near the top 66 percentile).

5. Laundry room -- For the gentlemen: Unlike your dorm's laundry room where you throw your roommate's clothes because the room is starting to smell like a hamster den, the laundry room is a locus of activity in girls' dorms.

There are plenty of girls who need the help of big, strong men to help carry her three nighties that smell like country rain up the stairs.

For the ladies: Plus two points that he's washing his clothing. Plus five points if he's washing his sheets. Minus 10 if the sheets are drenched in urine.

6. Greek Theater -- OK, so the Greek Theater isn't exactly the Parthenon, but it's a great way to meet two types of singles.

Type one: The sunbather. She's a 5-foot-4-inch ball of half-naked fun, and hey, maybe she'll ask you to smother her exposed areas with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Type two: The Tortured Soul. These singles are typically lounging in the darkest corners of the theater wearing skinny jeans and hoodies, smoking Parliaments and painting with their feet.

7. The Sauna -- Nothing says "you make me sweat" quite like the sauna at the gym. If it's not the 100-degree human oven that gets you hot and heavy it's the scantily clad, 200 pounds -- scratch that, 160 pounds -- of pure frat sitting next to you.

If you're lucky his pinny will be off so you can check out his bod. If you're luckier, his pinny will be on, because nothing says sex appeal like a baggy nipple shirt.

8. Apartments -- You don't have to leave campus to subject yourself to Tiki-Bob-like conditions in the hopes of fraternizing with the opposite sex.

It doesn't matter if it's not your apartment. It doesn't matter that the floor plan to every apartment is identical. Offer him or her a tour. If he or she declines, say that you have candy. The candy always works.

9. B-School -- If you're looking for a fellow future leader of America, here's the best place to trade business cards, finance notes and T-9 calculators. Cut to the chase; these types don't mess around. Ask him or her to go to 8:15. "Coffee ... tea ... me?"

Time is money, so you better have a company account for your lattes and an abbreviated powerpoint of your ten-year plan prepared on your iPad.

10. Health Center -- Although the thought of meeting someone in one of the most disease-infested places on campus (aside from the SAE lodge, that is) may not be appealing, the Health Center is actually a rather underestimated spot for singles.

Ample waiting room time lends the opportunity for small-talk. And this time, if you can't decide if you're interested when he or she texts you to watch "Lady and the Tramp" and snuggle later, your "sickness" excuse is believable.

If you find out he or she is a nutjob and decide you're not interested, the "my doctor just called and said my mono test came back positive" line usually does the trick.

Off you go to find the Spider of your dreams! And remember: no glove, no love.

Contact staff writers Liz Monahan and Kristy Burkhardt at liz.monahan@richmond.edu and kristy.burkhardt@richmond.edu

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