Editor's note: The Collision is the historically satirical version of The Collegian, appearing as early as the 1930s. Today, we revive it. The following article is satire and in no way should be viewed as truth.
An E. Claiborne Robins School of Business official responded yesterday to breaking news reports of a name change to the highly regarded B-school, citing how the time for silver medals was in 2018.
“We don’t want to bill ourselves to students' parents as a place that will only get their children to second best," the Robins official said. "Do you remember who came in second in the Super Bowl last year? Really? Oh, well, that’s not the point of the metaphor.”
The move is borrowed from the decades-old phone book strategy: adding an "A" to your name in order to have it appear first in text. When asked about the effectiveness of the move, the Robins official appeared defensive, yet sturdy, in the decision.
“Look, the whole U.S. weekly ranking is essentially arbitrary anyways," the Robins official said. "The board pressed us for a solution to move up in the rankings, and this seemed more effective than the ‘big red exclamation point statue’ idea a marketing consultant came up with.”
It is still unknown at this time whether the A-school will change its name to the AA-school if other universities follow a similar path. Officials are not worried, for they feel as if their idea is just dumb enough to slip under the radar of other universities’ focus groups.
“Our aim is to make students look as good on paper as possible," the Robins official said. "Skills are second in an interview, and most careers provide job training anyways. If you attend the number-one business school in the nation, that is what will take you far in the business world.”
Contact contributor Chris Cassella at firstname.lastname@example.org.